Blue Redemption

I hate Sonic the Hedgehog.
I hate his stupid guts.

You’ll understand that I needed to get that out of the way quickly. Keep in mind also that though I am a Mario fanboy, I nevertheless have a legitimate reason to hate him. Yes, the Blue Blur has become one of gaming’s biggest laughingstocks over the last decade or so, but there was a time when Sonic was once associated with “excellence”. A few examples: Sonic 1, 2, 3, and that epic pairing of Sonic 3 and Knuckles. Few games have surpassed or even come close the quality of those games. I loved that spiky little jerk with all my heart. I loved talking about what kick-ass things you could do and how Robotnik’s nailbiting boss battles were the one thing I looked forward to when I turned on my Genesis.

But now I look at that blue bastard, and a rage is instilled within me that makes me want to puke my Goddamn guts out. Everything he ever meant to me is now a distant memory. All he once stood for now means nothing. How did it ever get to be this way?

Well, for one, after a while, I couldn’t afford anything new. The Sega CD, the Sega Saturn, all that crazy stuff – were completely out of my reach. If my memory serves me correctly, all I had to go on from 1993-1995 were Game Boy games, with the occasional crappy third-party Genesis game in between. But then came late 1995, when my parents got me the system that permanently altered the course of my life – the Super NES. Our NES had broken some time before, so Mario and his pals were long absent from my life. But the magical holiday season of 1995 turned my life around. I will forever remember those couple of weeks as some of the best of my life. We took a trip out to New Mexico to see my grandparents, and beforehand, my father forbade me from taking the SNES with me. Keep in mind that this is happening Christmas Morning, the very day I received that blessed machine. Well, we get to New Mexico, and lo and behold! My father had actually caved and decided it was ok to take the system with us. It goes without saying that that trip was enjoyable in every sense of the word.

So Mario makes his triumphant return, and from here on Sonic only makes occasional appearances in my life. The years passed by, and so did the systems – the N64 and the Game Boy Color had come and gone, each with its own attached special memories – and then came the Nintendo GameCube. With only Luigi’s Mansion to satiate my Mario addiction for that first year or so, I needed something to fill that gap in the meantime. It was subsequently announced that Sonic would soon be arriving on the system in the form of Sonic Adventure 2, a game I had never played before. The reviews for the Dreamcast version were great, so I held out hope for redemption. The little guy would soon be making his triumphant return to the life of Martin. But I was wrong.

The game sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked. I paid sixty dollars for a thin, rectangular lump of human feces. The entire game, excepting the optimism-inducing first level, made me want to unscrew my head, remove my brain, and light it on fire. It was a glitchy, loveless piece of crap with no soul to speak of. Sonic’s vibrant, colorful worlds had made way for dark, lifeless “courses” that had too little checkpoints and too many Goddamned ways to die along the way. It hurt my soul to play that game. I was glad that Shadow died.*

But in a well-timed move, Sega soon released Sonic Mega Collection for the ‘Cube, and it really opened my eyes to how much fun the old Sonic games were. The colors, the music, the gameplay – everything was tied together perfectly. It really helped that I got the game during a particularly enjoyable visit to New Mexico. Even after all those years, the Genesis titles were still just as fun.

For some reason, my masochistic instincts compelled me to purchase Sonic Adventure DX and Sonic Heroes. Let me just take this moment to say FUCK YOU, SEGA.

I was lucky not to have owned an Xbox 360 or a PS3 when Sonic the Hedgehog came out. I was too busy having FUN with titles like Zelda, Twilight Princess and Wii Sports. Seriously, Sega. Another Goddamn hedgehog is gonna solve your problems?

A side note: While the main console Sonic games sucked, it is nevertheless worth mentioning that 3 VERY excellent Game Boy Advance games featuring our blue hero were released among all this crap.

Then things started to get scary. Sonic started appearing in Mario games. No. Not just Mario games. MEDIOCRE Mario games. His crappiness had started to carry over to my refuge. My Goddamn sanctuary was no longer safe. Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games was a Sega-developed game, and one could easily tell. The game felt completely thrown together with no thought or love whatsoever. It was insulting.

Well, the point is this: Sonic used to be good, then he took a mean-ass dive. I took that personally. My heart had been broken.

But now comes this trailer for Sonic Unleashed, or whatever bullcrap name it’s called. To be honest, the trailer was amazing (But I wasn’t crazy about the mind-numbingly stupid “Wolf Sonic” bullcrap). The levels looked fun. The levels were colorful; the colors I had marveled over in the past were now back in full force. And it was just Sonic. Nobody else. Not even Tails. But I know Sega all too well after our little affair in the past. They have something here that could possibly rejuvenate the Sonic franchise, but I know deep down in my heart that they’ll find a way to fuck it all up. “Wolf Sonic” is an early indication of that.

And so I stick my nose in the air and say, “Poo-poo!” to you, Sega, you worthless, money-grubbing pigs. “Poo-poo” as in I thought your games played like “poo-poo”. “Sonic Unleashed” will never be a part of my life unless you can make that bitch great.

I mean it. That game had better put Mario Galaxy to shame. No kidding.